For a while I knew not who it was? The phantom writer of this ill conceived invective eluded me. But alas days later it came to me. Yes, behold the riddle was solved. This was not an Angie's list member but one who cheated and rode in on her brother's coat tails, without paying the members fee, filling out the essential paperwork or perhaps enduring the stringent vetting process. This "report" therefore should be stamped, perhaps with crimson ink, Invalid! Due however, to its destructive nature and the concern of our legitimate, benevolent members, we will answer the charges and then some, hopefully setting the record amply straight and having some fun in the process. Having read this questionable report many times and over many days it struck me as odd that a customer, who on three sundry occasions would thank you, say you did a wonderful job, smile, shake your hand and display all the actions of a satisfied patron, would then three or more months later trash your reputation. She then added insult to injury by calling us back after the fact and asked us return a third time to address more imagined issues and for more non contractual work to be done, free of charge. What kind of person does this? Ten men who could render reason, clothed and in their right minds could give us many an answer! I will let you draw your own empathetic conclusion. We have digested our emotions long before taking to the pen and will not seek to personally attack our estranged customer. Let me set the deplorable stage for you of what I will call, " The anatomy of a non Angie's customer". You arrive at the prescribed date and time to, at best, a questionable dwelling. Upon facing the house, notice unkempt landscaping, a cluttered porch and a general ire of dysfunction and disrepair. As you enter the "house" your olfactory cavities are accosted with the acrid aroma of dog urine and feces. I will compare it to Allegheny county before the nineteen eighties, you could taste it in your mouth and feel it in your eyes! You gag at the first in hale and quickly switch to oral breathing until your respiratory system makes the necessary chemical adjustment. The oak flooring that needs recovered has long since been been stained black with urine and covered with clumps of dog hair, splatted with paint and cluttered with boxes of new flooring and disordered belongings. You are speech less as you wonder how any one could "live" in such squalid filth? You are tempted to leave immediately if not sooner. But you stay and because you have pity and compassion you endure. The "house" has had base boards ripped out. Wires dangle from electrical boxes. You are told someone started the "process" and was let go. Mmmmm I have my doubts as to why they left. Walls and ceilings are peeling. It has been years or perhaps decades since something has been done! Hardly the setting to discuss the particulars of a professional paint job. You wonder if they know what one is? As I enter the Kitchen I see the sink has leaked for so long not only the cabinet base has rotted out but the entire floor under was gone also. Can you imagine what the basement looked like? I did not have to imagine it! An obvious stewardship problem is and has been lurking here for quite some time. My young son, who was with me at the time, had to endure this also. I involve them in the family business. To his credit there were no thoughtless, rude outbursts. We settled down next to a window, fortuitously opened, perhaps by the last victims of this travesty, and chocked our noses toward it, hoping to dilute the pungent canine odor. We managed to stay conscious long enough to discuss the major points of the job, got a feel for the scope and sequence and negotiated a deal for the flooring and base board aspect only. We shook hands on the deal and gladly removed ourselves from the gangrenous lair. The day we showed up, we once again did a walk thru, a review and wrote a contract. It was at this point the customer added the painting and designated only three areas of the walls and ceiling that needed special attention. Cracks, divots, irregularities and errors of the previous administrations of the last one hundred years of remodeling were not discussed, nor part of the contract. We however, like to deal with some of the more pronounced issues for obvious reasons. We fell to it, as our men have been trained and finished the job in a weeks time. The customer sang our praises on a daily basis, a great source of motivation. On the second call back, two months removed from the completion of the job, a man called, "husband" and not part of any of the contractual process, sought to tell us how the job should have been done! He walked us around the rooms to show us alleged errors that were not addressed? One spot above the mantle, you could barely see it at a split angle in just the right light, was a differentiation of roller texture vs. brush texture. We obliged him by painting the whole wall . And as we were leaving he still had issues with it. On the doorway casing of the dining room he insisted we missed a spot. We tried to explain light refraction of the angled wood but he insisted. In his presence we painstakingly painted it and as it dried he still said we missed it. Having tried our best, including two repeat occurrences. Even after the customer thanked us and told us "great job" we are apparently not able to please these people, due in part I believe certain mental problems which I do not feel liberty to discuss. When we laid the flooring we sprayed a strong disinfectant twice. It was inconceivable to just go over it without an attempt at killing the pungent aroma. The phone jack in question was never there, nor was it discussed. To make the peace, I bought one and installed it. We hung a door, added knobs, recommended and laid a ceramic tile flooring, removed an a/c unit and a host of other things. Yes, much non contractual extra work with no extra charge, nor an offer to pay for it. We do not mind a little give and take. We are not entirely mercenary. We are in the business because it is our God given skill and with it we are to serve humanity and be part of the solution to man's problems. In closing, the estranged customer did call me back on the third month and asked for more work after writing in her own words a, " #@tty report" that defamed our integrity and sought to trash my reputation. This "report" represents the three percent of people who will not and can not be pleased no matter how hard you try. We were in earnest to complete a job with the same degree of skill and alacrity with which we do all others. We sincerely regret, that having told us you were pleased, that you now sing a lamentable song. This is our annual negative report which puts us in check and reminds us of the great one, A Jewish carpenter, who said," woe unto ye when all men speak well of you". Mother told us that there would be people like you! and that we should say in our hearts," Father forgive them for they know not what they do".......... These reports also validate the fifty others that will surround yours, as they apply for sainthood. Lastly, we will grant the standard offer of your membership dues, which you did not pay, in exchange for your access to Angie's list and all of it's rights and privileges heretofore. This response has been seasoned with prayer and represents six and one half hours of time recalling details, loss of sleep, digesting emotions, counseling with family, crew and Reps. of Angie's list. Writing and rewriting due to the last draft being lost in cyberspace. I personally thank all of you for reading to it's verbose and voluminous end. Angie I, like our favorite fast food chain, am still loving it, that is your list.